


you‘re my mental drug

by han2seung



Category: VICTON (Band)
Genre: A tiny bit of fluff, Break Up, Depression, M/M, Some Cursing, Suicide Attempt, crying seungwoo, happy end, mention of subin and chan, psychiatric clinic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:14:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26124799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/han2seung/pseuds/han2seung
Summary: After suffering from depression and a break up, seungsik decided to commit suicide, but instead he was brought to a psychiatric clinic. After six months of self isolation, seungwoo came to visit his ex boyfriend and apologize for everything...
Relationships: Han Seungwoo/Kang Seungsik
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	you‘re my mental drug

**Author's Note:**

> English isn‘t my first language, so please be nice ><
> 
> It‘s also my first English fic ever by the way

[16th October 2020, 1:43 pm]

My eyes were closed. All I could hear was my own heavy breath and the almost inaudibly tweeting birds outside.  
It‘s been exactly six months, since I was brought to a psychiatric clinic to cure my depression. My career as victon‘s main vocalist is officially over, as well as my friendship with the other members, who didn‘t even try to visit me at least once.

I sighed and opened my eyes. I was sitting on the floor, hugging my legs and stared at the same boring wall for hours already. I looked up to the only window in my room. A grid prevented me from jumping out of the window, even though my room was in the first floor and not far from the ground. But I tried to commit suicide not long ago, so the therapists are even more careful now. Everything would be much easier for me, if I managed to kill myself back then. But I‘m even too dumb for that.  
I could‘ve forgot every pain in my still really short life. I could‘ve been free from everything, free from my responsibilities and free from... him.  
But I‘m still alive. I still remember what happened that day... on my 25th birthday...

[16th April 2020, 5:21 pm]

"CAN YOU AT LEAST ONCE STOP BEHAVING LIKE A MENTALLY DISABLED PIECE OF SHIT, KANG SEUNGSIK?!", seungwoo yelled angrily and threw a towel after me, because I still didn‘t do the choreography correctly, even though he already explained it for the 3rd time. I apologized sheepish and tried once again to dance the right way, but the choreo was way too hard for me.

But the eldest was still unsatisfied and continued insulting me. "just because it‘s your goddamn birthday today, it doesn‘t mean you‘re allowed to be a lazy fat cow!", he shouted, "how did someone like you become an idol? You can‘t even properly dance! I‘m seriously ashamed!!"  
This wasn‘t new to me anymore. It‘s not the first time he got angry at me, but every bad word hurt me more and more. It was no problem for me if the other members criticized me, but it‘s a whole different story when it‘s the love of my life - my boyfriend, who‘s being mean to me.

I was hoping he‘s at least today in a good mood, because it‘s his boyfriends birthday, but seems like I‘m not important enough to him... I‘m not important to anyone. "I-I‘m going to learn the choreo... u-until tomorrow...", I stuttered, afraid he might slap me in the face, but he just responded with an annoyed: "hope so."  
I knew I would never manage to learn a whole choreography in less than 24 hours, but maybe seungwoo is now able to take care of me... at least for only 10 minutes.

"c-can we... go home now..?", I asked looking in his dark intimidating eyes. "no! We‘re not even halfway done with today‘s practice!", he hissed and shoved me back to where I stood before. "or do you wanna embarrass us all?!", he added, while turning on the music.

Again I started to overthink everything. Does he really love me? Or am I just a worthless toy to him..?  
I wish our relationship would be as good as two years ago...

[3rd February 2018, 6:03 pm]

"I love you, sikie~", seungwoo purred and dragged me onto his lap just to cuddle me to death. I looked in his lovely eyes and smiled brightly. "aww~ you‘re so freaking cute!", he noticed and smiled back. I blushed and hid my face behind my hands, so he wouldn‘t see the redness.

The older male started brushing his fingers through my hair and hummed my favorite song. We‘re only half a month in a relationship, but I‘m already the happiest person in the world. I can talk with him about EVERYTHING. Even about my self-doubts and my depression. But he has such a caring heart. He helped me every morning to wake up with a smile on my face and he helped me to find myself and to... love myself.  
He‘s better than every medicine in this world. He‘s like a drug for me and I‘m addicted to him.  
He pulled me out of the dark hole, I‘ve been sitting in for a long while and showed me what it‘s like to be loved.

"what are you thinking about, baby?", he asked and pushed me away a little, just to look at me. He suddenly seemed so worried. "I just... thought about, how lucky I am... to have such a great boyfriend...", I mumbled embarrassed and my ears turned red.  
Seungwoo smiled at it and put his hands on my cheeks. "you‘re so adorable, sikie~", he said and placed his lips on mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back.  
That‘s by far the best kiss I ever had....

[16th April 2020, 8:29 pm]

After some more hours of practice we finally went back home. I immediately got to my room right after arriving at our dorm. My legs hurt so much and I was extremely tired, so I lied down on my bed and closed my eyes for a short time. I didn‘t even expect any of the members to wish me a happy birthday. I‘m kinda disappointed, but it‘s not a big deal anymore... I guess?  
And after all the things that happened between me and seungwoo today, I realized, he doesn‘t even care it‘s my birthday today.  
But it got even worse-

Seungwoo opened the door and stepped inside. "I thought, you’re gonna learn the choreography till tomorrow? Instead you’re fucking sleeping?! Now move your fat ugly ass!", he growled and pulled me out of my bed. I couldn‘t even stand without having bad pain in my back and legs. But why didn‘t he care anymore? Where‘s the seungwoo, who asked me every five minutes if I‘m really okay? Where‘s the seungwoo I fell in love with two years ago? What did I do wrong..?

"w-why... are you like this..?", I asked quietly, avoiding eye contact. "what do you mean?!", he asked being absolutely annoyed, but I need answers. "d-do you still... l-love me..?", I asked and gulped, scared of already knowing the answer.  
Suddenly everything went silent...  
I looked up and waited nervously for his answer. Of course I was hoping, he‘d apologize, hug me and tell, that he loves me. I gulped again. What is he going to say..?

Almost a whole minute went by, until he finally replied.  
"no", he said, not even looking sad or anything. "w-what..?", I asked, unable to believe, he really just said that. "no, I don‘t love you anymore!", he repeated louder. I still couldn‘t believe it. After such a long time... he broke up with me on my BIRTHDAY? My eyes got wet and I was seriously close to crying. "but... w-why..?", I stuttered almost crying.  
"because you‘re an untalented crying bitch! I can‘t with your daily crying sessions! You‘re not a baby anymore!", he shouted and pushed me back into the dark hole of loneliness.

[16th October 2020, 1:43 pm]

His last words to me, before I finally decided to end my life, still echoed inside my head. I remember how the others sat in the kitchen to eat the food I made for them, but I wasn‘t with them. I went to the bathroom, holding my sharpest knife. I wanted to cut through my aorta, but in the moment I wanted to end me, Chan stepped inside and made me drop the knife.

I don‘t fully remember what happened after that, but I know, that subin drove me to the psychiatric clinic immediately. Seungwoo didn‘t even look at me once... he didn‘t care.

I sighed and pulled my sleeve up to look at the giant scar. It almost worked, but now it‘s even worse... not only that I‘m still depressed, I don‘t have any social contacts anymore. I don‘t want to be friends with other patients and the other members didn‘t care whether I‘m still alive or not. They didn‘t care my will to die was never as big as it is now.

I lied to my therapists everyday, hoping to get out of this place as fast as possible. I have nothing to live for anymore. I just don‘t wanted to feel the pain anymore.

Suddenly a key unlocked my door. But lunch was already one hour ago? And my therapist usually comes in the evening. So why is someone coming now?  
The door opened slowly and a nurse came in. "mr kang, there‘s someone who wants to visit you", she said and asked me to get up. A visitor? For ME?! Who on earth would ever visit me? Or was it a trick by the nurse to get me out of my room? But why would she do that? I was way too curious and went to the common room.

Another nurse brought me to a table my visitor was waiting. I was starring at my feet the whole time, so I won‘t have to look at the other patients. After a pretty short time we arrived at the table and the nurse left me alone with the person, who wants to meet me.  
I lifted my head to see who the person is. I opened my eyes widely when I saw him. "s-seungwoo..?", I asked confused. I must be dreaming! Seungwoo isn‘t here- he can‘t be here! This must be a dream therapy or some other crazy shit!

"the one and only...", he replied and smiled embarrassed. "why... why are you here..?", I asked and sat down next to seungwoo. "well, you know... none of us ever visited you... because we thought you‘d need some time for yourself... and rock beats scissors...", he explained looking kinda sad about the result. "so you‘re here, because you lost in a fucking game?", I asked disappointed. But his face immediately changed and he started smiling again.  
"wrong~ I‘m here, because I would have beaten everyone else up, if they didn‘t let me go", he stated proudly. I would usually smile back, but not now, not here. I just looked down without saying anything.

He saw how uncomfortable I was and sighed. "there is... so much I need to explain...", he said sounding quite unsure and hesitantly put his hand on mine. I noticed the ring on his index finger. I gave it to him on our first anniversary...  
I finally lifted my head again and looked at him. He kept on starring on our hands and petted the back of my palm. I just realized how bad he looked. His hair was a whole mess and he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he hasn‘t slept for days..!

"s-six months ago... on your birthday...", he started hardly to hear. "a-after Subin brought you to the clinic... I realized what I‘ve done.. i-it wasn‘t fair how I mistreated you.. but it wasn’t your fault.. it was never your fault... I just.. feel so bad for what I did... that I even forgot your depression... and then after breaking up.. even though you‘re the love of my life, I-I couldn‘t look in your eyes again... I‘m so ashamed of myself, sikie..."  
I noticed tears coming out of his eyes, when he finished his explanation and wiped them away carefully. "I know... I should have come earlier... I‘m such a dumb coward... I don‘t even expect you to still love me after that long time... I-I just wanted to tell you... we‘re waiting for you to come back to us... the members and alice as well...", he said without looking up.

I was so touched by his words, I couldn‘t say anything for a while. I slowly put my hand on his and gained his attention again. I obvious I couldn‘t kiss him right away, but my heart beats for him... and only him. No matter how much he hurt me.

Seungwoo still cried slightly when looking at me.  
"my depression... are never going to be cured here...", I mumbled truthfully and placed my hand on his cheek to stroke it softly. "there‘s no better medicine than your beautiful smile...", I added shyly, which made seungwoo blush. He started smiling again and this time I returned a smile to him.

"please... let me help you once again and I promise... I won‘t let you fall ever again..."

**Author's Note:**

> There are at least 500 grammar mistakes, I‘m so sorryyy T-T
> 
> Please forgive me :c


End file.
